The world has changed a lot since I was a little boy. Sure, we've moved ahead as a society in certain things, we've evolved, we've gone to the moon, we have all this technology crap, but in the end we've taken more than a few steps back as far as human nature is concerned.
When I was growing up, a man's word was his life, a man's honor his most important virtue, and a man's ability to be real his most pressing social concern.
Things, unfortunately, have changed.
To put it kindly, men have become whining, pathetic losers incapable of handling a little hardship, incapable of handling criticism -- essentially we are slowly becoming women.
And here's some news, boys: the ladies agree with me. Women have noticed the feminization of men too, and despite what you might hear about the sensitive New Age clowns being the ideal Romeos women are looking for, it's total bull crap. Women want a man who will act like a man, who will take charge, who can make decisions, who doesn't cry, and who faces fear.
Ways men have gone wrong
1- Men quit easily
It used to be that a man had to have two bullets in his head to quit whatever he was doing. Men used to be tough and not look for the exit door every time things got rough. Now, at the first sign of trouble, men put up their hands and say "I quit," instead of fighting the tough battle. It's easy to say "I quit," but the real champions are the ones who stay in the battle. Whether it's stress at work or a relationship that has hit some bumps, quitting when faced with adversity has become too popular and too easy for too many men.
2- Men can't handle criticism
Remember the expression "take it like a man"? Remember when men could take an order and not cry about their feelings being disrespected? Remember when military training was mandatory and anyone who complained about waking up at 4 a.m. would end up scrubbing toilets with their tongues? Well, so do I. Men used to be able to take a punch, take a knock, take criticism. That's before becoming bruttas. Now every time someone says something critical that isn't sugar-coated with girly fairy dust, all hell breaks loose, and the tears start to roll. So what if your boss tells you you're an idiot -- maybe you are. Can we please get back to being able to handle a little disapproval?
3- Men complain
Remember when Don Corleone said to his godson, "You can act like a man! [Slap] What's the matter with you?" You aren't the only one. It struck a chord with a whole generation because it summed up what whining, bitching, moaning fools we've become. Complaints come left and right nowadays -- coffee is too cold, service not fast enough, distance too far. Shut the hell up. Hand in your testicoli now and go buy a bra. Accept that life isn't perfect and move on. When I hear about some clown launching a sexual harassment lawsuit against some female colleague, I want to hunt down the guy and take him to Lucca's Meat Market to show him what real sexual harassment is. We've become rompipalles (ball breakers). We've become selfish pigs, not doing anything without selfish gain.
4- Men groom like women
I'm all for a good manicure and proper hygiene, but let's get one thing straight -- I will never wax anything off my body that God intended to have there. I am not going to go to a fancy girly spa to get some algae crap on my face. Look clean, iron your clothes, anything else leave to you mother-in-law.
5- Men talk about their feelings
I love this one. Men all of a sudden have "feelings" others need to hear about. It's not enough that men are crying, they now must "express" themselves. It's not enough to say "are you going to marry me and cook me a meal every night," now guys have to recite Othello and tell their women in a 30-minute speech why he should be whipped by his significant other for the rest of his life. Asking a woman if she loves you or if you satisfy her is pathetic.
6- Men side with feminists
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love feminists, so when I see men yelling for social and workplace equality, Girl Power and the Spice Girls, I just start vomiting. Being macho has become a dirty word. Having good old-fashioned values like thinking men should be the breadwinners and the decision makers, and thinking women should raise the children and manage the home front, are condemned as damning to today's moral fabric. Where did it all go wrong?
7- Men embrace unmanly trends
Tom Cruise fan, whatever, all people who follow any of these things should be gathered up, put on an island north of Siberia, and allowed to pursue their interests in the comfort of their fellow sissy males.
8- Men are useless
Our forefathers could build a house that lasted for 200 years with their bare hands, nowadays men can't even put up a shelf without reading a 200-page manual. Sure, there are still Luigi and Mario who can build you a nice five-bedroom house in five days, but most guys don't even own a hammer anymore.
9- Men are afraid to tell someone off
Men have no problem telling everyone their childhood fantasies about their teddy bears, but ask them to be direct, blunt, and tell it like it is, and all of a sudden they belong to the United Nations. You know why? Because if they are brutally honest and forward, then someone might be brutally honest back, and heaven forbid someone tell us we're not God incarnate.
10- Men take over women's roles
When did becoming a stay-at-home dad become cool? When did being a male nurse become something guys grew up thinking of? When did being a secretary scream out "ambitious career plan"? When did holding your wife's hand while she's delivering your baby become a mandatory male experience? You want to be a wuss, do what wusses do. Be a finocchio, get ready for the backlash. You know what the worst part is? These cafones insist it's acceptable.
11- Men watch too much Oprah
Do I have to explain this one?
12- Men are whipped
The most important reason men have lost all sense of masculinity is their inability to be master of their own domain. Men have handed over the whip to their women, and allowed them to use it, liberally, frequently, and without discretion. No decision can be made without consulting the female -- your word as the final say is a running joke when you accept being second fiddle in the hierarchy chain.
Be macho
So where does that take us? Where do we, as men searching for our manhood, go from here? Simple. Go to your local video store, rent anything Frankie Sinatra, Steve McQueen or Sean Connery did before 1980. See how they maintain their presence under any circumstance. See how being rough around the edges adds allure to them. See what it means to "take it like a man."
If that's too difficult for you, here are some simple rules. No matter how tough life gets, bite your lip and handle it. Don't bitch, don't complain, just move on. Be macho, don't be afraid to say something sexist if it reflects reality. Don't follow trends women like (yoga is out, boys), don't start doing jobs women are supposed to do (being a hotel maid won't get you in the country club), don't be afraid to tell people what you think (and be ready for the return punch in the nuts). Most importantly, don't go crying to your mommy or your girlfriend every time someone is "mean" to you.
Boys, it's time for us to get our balls back, it's time for us to swing the pendulum back the other way. You don't have to be a male chauvinist pig, but for crying out loud, reclaim your manhood. Be strong, be decisive, and stop watching Oprah.
Watch your backs and keep your noses clean.
